I dwell in possibility ~ Emily Dickinson
At this time of the year, every year, I find myself in a place of great reflection and self assessment. Soul searching. It’s this time of year that I am staring my next birthday firmly in the eye and asking myself: where have I been? What have I learned? But also the forward motion, future questioning, existential questions such as, Where do I want to go? Who do I want to be? What can I let go of? What do I hold onto? and How do I know the difference?
What’s in store for me?
And for the last several years, I’ve visited my favorite Tarot Card reader, Tegan, for some guidance and to shine some light on those very questions. I love going to see Tegan and holding her much-loved and worn Tarot Cards in my hands. Her space is cozy, warm and welcoming. She always has a smile, her sweet and energetic pup, and a cup of peppermint tea waiting for me. I anticipate these visits with a mix of excitement and nervousness. What will she tell me? Is it what I’m going to want to hear? Will it be the same answers as I already received from my Magic 8 Ball? But as soon as I walk in, I feel calm and centred and ready. Ready to see what direction I’m pointed in, and what The Universe has in store for me. At that exact moment.
Ever since I can remember I have believed in energy and The Universe. As a small girl, I had no real conceptualization of The Universe, but I always had a sense of flowing energy and a deep down belief, personal knowledge, that I was an old soul. I had no idea what that meant, but I knew that I felt it. A very strong feeling of “there has to be more than this.” This belief led me on a quest to discover Religion. And God. As a youngster this felt like the logical place to start. Afterall, it was certainly all over the place. It seemed easy to find Jesus. Everyone was finding him. Unfortunately, I never did. I quickly came to the conclusion that this “religion thing” was not for me. I just didn’t buy it. It didn’t feel right. And I could not understand for the life of me why I had to get dressed up on a Sunday morning?!
Despite not finding my answer with Religion, as a young adult, that feeling shaped into a deeper sense or knowledge, that I was more than the sum of my parts. I was more than my thoughts, feelings and current context or life experiences. There was definitely more.
I remember when I first heard Pierre Teilhard de Chardin’s famous quote:
You are not a human being in search of a spiritual experience. You are a spiritual being immersed in a human experience.
Whoa! Wait a minute, what?
I needed to think about this one. And as per my usual practice, I started to research and talk and uncover. My process to find what resonates with me, what feels right and what I am going to choose to believe. In my search, I stumbled upon Quantum Theory, which still breaks my head. But what I have taken away is that we are all energetic beings and energy cannot be created or destroyed. We are all connected. We are energy. Seems pretty spiritual to me. Confined to a human body, having human experiences.
Does that mean everything is predetermined? That The Universe has a grand plan?
I remember after one of my first Tarot readings, I felt so empowered and excited by the reading, by what was to come for me, by what was in the cards. I carried that energy, that feeling for as long as I could muster. On my next visit I said to Tegan, “I was so excited by what you told me last time, but I must have figured out some way to fuck it up.” She looked at me with her usual, almost knowing, smile and said, “you give me far too much power.” Tegan told me that the future is not set, that I must decide. Just choose.
Tarot is about reading or interpreting the energies, forces and influences in your life that are revealed through turning over certain cards. Whether you believe specifically in Tarot or not, there is some truth to the idea of The Universe exerting influences and forces, energy, that provide context and push us towards the experiences in our lives. There is truth to energy and momentum and the path we are walking. Those who read Tarot and believe in the energy of The Universe also believe that the future is fluid, dynamic. It is not static and therefore, can’t be predicted. It is a way to gather additional information to make informed choices that can recreate a different path. We are making decisions all the time that change the context of our lives. However, if we are armed with energetic information that we are heading in a certain direction, it can make our decisions easier to either follow or diverge from that path.
Our future, our fortune, the end result and outcome is not set. The script is not written, we are not acting out the scenes page by page. We are writing this book as we go along. It is most certainly a choose your own adventure. Everything that happens to us we are responsible for, we are the ultimate decision makers. Although we are not in control of what the end result is, the outcome, we are always in control of our decisions and our ability to choose. And if we don’t like the cards we played, we can choose to shuffle the deck.
Life is a balance of holding on and letting go ~ Rumi