Down the Rabbit Hole

There is nothing to writing. All you do is sit down at a typewriter and bleed ~ Ernest Hemingway

I have always had a thing for words. A love affair really.  When I was six or seven years old, we lived on a mountain surrounded by 10 acres of trees.  After my morning cartoons, the television was turned off and I was told to “go and play”. Often I would go exploring with my dog, Tex, he was great at sniffing out the fairies and the pixies and the elves.  Or I would attend my classroom and library, assigning grades to all of my students on my chalk board and signing out books. Every single book in my room had a library card in it and a number mimicked after the Dewey Decimal system, although I can assure you it was in fact not the Dewey Decimal system.  And other times, I would complete “research” and write “research papers”.  I would find an encyclopedia on a topic that interested me, dinosaurs, cats, dogs, Egypt, and I would take notes and draw pictures and put it all together in a “research paper”. Of course at seven years old this was merely all of the lines in the book written exactly as they appeared but perhaps slightly rearranged.  This is, in fact, called plagiarism, but at seven it was referred to as cute.

I learned to type on a typewriter.  It was painful at first. I used two fingers to bang on the keys and put sentences on my paper.  If I made a mistake, I would need the liquid paper and then figure out how to line up the line with the keys exactly. I still recall when the “new” typewriters came with white out tape built in and I could make my mistakes disappear.  Although I had to learn how to type, for school, and admittedly, I loved the smell of the ink on the page as it was pressed into the paper, my preference was for a pen and paper. Writing my words in cursive. I always kept a diary and would pour everything out onto those pages.  My writing always starting out looping, flowing and beautiful, then changing into scratches as my hand got sore and cramped. I wrote poetry in high school and worked for the school newspaper. I was torn between journalism and creative writing, but one thing I was not confused about was my love of words and using the written language to weave a spell, to create texture and an imaginative picture that was clear and rich and romantic for the mind’s eye.

In high school writing class, my teacher had a way of inspiring me and drawing out my inner thoughts and feelings that has remained unmatched in all the years between then and now.  I poured my heart and soul out onto the page, taking what seeped out of my pen and rearranging the concepts, notions and intentions into a harmonized narrative.

Shortly after high school, I stopped writing poetry, I stopped working for the university newspaper, I stopped being inspired. I continued to maintain a diary, although as a young adult, it was now referred to as a journal.  It was the safest place I could let my thoughts and feelings flow. Where I could sort out my beliefs, my needs, my boundaries, essentially my core being, free of judgement, without a need to defend or explain. Several people during the course of my adult life have felt they had the right to read those thoughts, to open up my journal and freely consume my innermost core without permission, without consent and without my initial knowledge.  But I always knew, eventually. There was no greater violation. I stopped it all. The writing ceased, the ink dried out in my pen and my pages remained empty. Yet I still identified, in my soul, as a Writer.

I did not pursue creative writing.  I did not pursue journalism. I believe the pain and intense vulnerability of such exposure was too much for my younger, immature and insecure self.  I turned to science, to biology, to black and white. But The Writer inside was merely dormant, not deceased. In recent years, I have worked hard to get to know me, my beliefs, my values, and to find strength and love and security internally rather than externally.  In doing this work, I have woken The Writer up. I have found a new love and appreciation not only for words, but for the act and art of writing. The relationship is still new, and the expectations are still being discussed, but the future looks promising, and I believe this relationship will last my lifetime.

The art of writing is the art of discovering what you believe ~ Gustave Flaubert

19 thoughts on “Down the Rabbit Hole

  1. Again, I love everything about it. ♥️

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you! I knew we we’re likeminded!! So glad to see you here and I’m thank you so much for reading 💚🤗

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Isn’t it strange that back then you did not like people close to you read your journal. Bit today you posr same feelings on internet public forum like Wotdptess. Growth spurts maybe?

    Liked by 1 person

    1. And what I share here is mindfully written and I only share what I’m comfortable with sharing. Reading my unedited and random thoughts and feelings from my personal journal is still a violation if I did not offer it up. Thanks for reading and your comments!

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Totally agreed. That is exactly the reason I have never written a diary. This blog is the max I can afford to part with. How unfortunate it is to be always mindful instead of being open and free whenever we write.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. You make a great point! I completely agree… I aspire to be authentic but I suppose we all fear judgement to some degree. That is unfortunate. Thank you so much for sharing 😊

        Liked by 1 person

      3. I think I have handled that fear quite well on my blog. Looking forward to seeing you write as openly and freely as your spirit is.

        Liked by 1 person

  3. I love this post! I love reading the love stories of other writers, especially those that travel paths with networks of veins. I too had a long hiatus from writing, but knew from a young age that it was what I loved. I think the journey back to it is both painful and rewarding. I also believe that emotional readiness has to be a part of it, and you are so very clearly there. I look forward to reading all you have to write in the future!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I almost have no words…thank you so much for reading all of my ramblings and for your support. It truly means the world!
      There is something about writing that just always draws me in…it’s a part of us and one that is incredibly difficult to walk away from. I’m glad to be part of The Tribe!

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I am glad too! It means I get to read the gorgeous stuff you write. You have an honest, accessible and beautiful voice!!!

        Liked by 1 person

      2. I’m a little choked up now…thank you very much ❤️

        Liked by 1 person

  4. So happy you can remember and reminisce about your childhood! ❤

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Interesting. If I had to do it all over, I would have taken a different career path.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Such a wonderful post. Honest, telling and just a little vulnerable.
    You have more than a blog… You have a voice. Tell your story and I promise I’ll keep reading it

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I almost have no words…almost 😉 thank you so much for your kind words and really, motivation. I will keep writing my story, I promise! And thank you so so much for reading 💚

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Sorry I took so long to get to that one

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Did you see that Steve challenged you in the Tell the Story? He challenged me as well and I just posted it.
        I’d love to see what you come up with

        Liked by 1 person

      3. I didn’t see that! I will go exploring now 😊

        Like

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