We don’t see the world as it is, we see it as we are ~ Anaïs Nin
Recently I’ve made some new friends, explained about my blog and shared my site with them. Even though I write and post on a public site, there is still some apprehension in sharing my internal thoughts and “diary” with those I know. Especially new friends, new interests or fellow writers. My nerves sing with a combination of fear and pride. This last time, after I shared my site, I went online, on my own site, and re-read a bunch of my posts. Then I edited some of them. I edited my own life. I hid some previous posts and deleted other parts. All because I felt embarrassed, ashamed, afraid of what might be seen and interpreted by my posts. And also because I wanted to erase as much reference to MFW as possible (that’s another post I’m not ready to explore quite yet). Why would I edit my life? The events, thoughts and feelings were true in the moment. With the clarity and unique perspective of hindsight, I can’t go back now and edit these events. I can’t suddenly pretend I didn’t think a certain way, or feel the way I did because I know how it all ended. Why would I want to dismiss and not own my past, my very real moments and who I was in them?
The Four Agreements made its way back on my reading list. I find the book to be such a simple reminder of a way to approach life, yet it’s so difficult to do. The Second Agreement is to not take anything personally. Essentially this Agreement says that however we are received, responded to, or perceived by others, has nothing to do with us and everything to do with them. We have no control over how others see us as it’s influenced by their own individual lens and experiences. This was a novel concept to me. It makes perfect sense, yet I struggled with it. I struggled with the idea that I could not control how others saw me, thought about me or judged me. I wanted so badly to be able to control that. To have others see me the way that I want them to, the way I want to be seen. Yet here’s the mind warp, the way I see me is influenced by who I am, by my experiences and how I have handled myself through my journey. No one else has seen all of that, or had the experiences I’ve had.
Vulnerability is about showing up and being seen. It’s tough to do that when we’re terrified about what people might see or think ~ Brene Brown
Being vulnerable and leaning into the fear and discomfort of truly being myself is the only way that I feel I can experience true joy. Somehow letting go of control, and fear of how I might be perceived, brings about that vulnerability. Yet, I still edited my life. I edited my life in an attempt to erase the moments that I perceived as shameful, that make me feel embarrassed or cause regret. Simply because I see it that way does not mean that others will. How they see it, interpret it and then subsequently, view me, has nothing to do with me. It has everything to do with them. And of that I have no control, it’s not personal.
Two days ago, Tom tagged me in a challenge. A quote a day challenge. Basically, post one quote each day for three days, explain why it’s meaningful to me and challenge others. I like to break rules, or rather bend them. This is day two for me. Yesterday was posted as my story and my quote. No explanation given as it didn’t fit the post. Today the explanation seemed to fit at the end. Who knows what tomorrow will bring?