Needle in a Haystack

Life is really simple, but we insist on making it complicated ~ Confucius

I’m going to post something that I wouldn’t usually put up. I’m always musing about life and love and my “lightbulb” moments, but I tend to try to polish them. I tend to find a direction for the post to go in, some point I want to make for myself. The other day, though, I sat down to write and what poured out of my fingers was a stream of consciousness. It’s raw and vulnerable and truly me. In my attempt to be present, brave and kind, I want to put this out to the universe, in all it’s inconsistencies and neediness, in all it’s loneliness and vulnerability. As I once again attempt to date, I’ve had to take a long hard and honest look at the decisions I’ve been making and why I’ve been making them. What I want and what I don’t want. Who I want to be and who I don’t want to be, but at the end of the day, I can only be me.

I think that I’ve been looking for the wrong thing for my whole life. What is realistic? What is real? I had a list of the characteristics, of the traits, of the feelings that needed to be there that needed to happen, for it to be “perfect” to be “the one”.

I don’t know if it’s been the experiences that I’ve had, or perhaps just simply getting older, but what I want in my life is so much simpler than lists and checkboxes and perfection. It’s so much simpler than the movie romance and the fairytale endings. Yet, it’s more complicated than checklists, characteristics and traits. It’s friendship and companionship and the ability to 100%, absolutely, be myself.

I want my own life. I want to be able to go out with my own friends and do the things that bring me joy. I have found my joy in the communities I’ve built in cycling and bootcamp and pushing my body to the limit. But also cherish time on my own, reading and writing. I want to write everything and anything I want. Simple joys too, people watching and making up stories and theories and musing about life, love and “figuring it out”. Camping and campfires with drinks and marshmallows and Smart Food. Brunches with mimosas. Road trips listening to the Tragically Hip. Bingeing on girlie shows and rom/coms on Netflix without shame or guilt.

I want him to have his own life too. His own interests, his own friends, his own set of problems. And I want him to solve his own problems.

Ultimately, what I want is simple, yet the most difficult thing to find. Truth, authenticity, vulnerability. Not as buzzwords, but as a way of life. To be completely myself with someone, in all of my insecurities, neediness, strength and aloofness. In all my contradictions. To have someone want me to be authentic and not judge me when I am. To be vulnerable and to not attack me when I am. To allow me to change my mind. To allow me and encourage me to find my own happiness and to enjoy the journey of my self discovery.

It’s about human connection, touch, support, passion, friendship and annoyance. Love. I want to choose to spend portions of my valuable time with someone who wants to share that time with me as much as I do. That wants to build something strong and uniquely “us”, in whatever that may look like. Where I can drink too much, swear too much and they still look at me with love and desire, even in all my tomboyishness. I want someone to tell me it’s all going to be ok and hold me tight, while they listen to me attempt to problem solve the issues that come up in life. I want someone to drive the van on the road trip and think it’s adorable that I sing to every song off key, but then tell me to shut up when it’s no longer cute and bordering on annoying. I want it to be 50% friendship and 50% “I want to tear your clothes off”. I want it to be supportive, but not disingenuous. I want to have a quiet confidence in the relationship and how we are feeling, because we have talked about it. I want to bitch about my partner to my partner, not to anyone else. It’s about not taking ourselves too seriously, or the relationship, but giving it the respect it deserves.

I want to take my time to choose that person. I want to be picky…I need to be picky. But when I think I may have found them, there is no other way than to give it a real shot. I don’t want to swipe endlessly believing that there is something better, that perhaps the next swipe will reveal “the one” because the one who brings me happiness is me, and the one I want, the one I choose, is sitting next to me watching Netflix and drinking beer.

9 thoughts on “Needle in a Haystack

  1. This is nice.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. wow… I am amazed…share when you are ready! ❤

    Like

  3. This is so lovely, so real and I think most people can relate. I think we all essentially want exactly what you are writing about here and it is time that shows us the beautiful simplicity of it. I remember 2 things I discovered in regard to relationships: one, I got from a friend who told me that love shouldn’t be hard, relationships shouldn’t be hard. I had been in a very volatile relationship for a while and when it ended, this friend told me she has wanted to say this to me for a long time. She has also been in a difficult relationship and she said that when she met her current husband, it all became clear because it was so easy to be with him. Then, years later, when I met my husband, I was struck by how easy it was to be with him, I had that feeling of being home, and I knew it was where I was supposed to be. What you are looking for is out there and you will know when he has arrived.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. I wish there was a love button for this comment 💚 thank you for your words and sharing a piece of your story and for renewing my hope and belief that it’s out there. I, too, have spent too long in volatile relationships and I absolutely crave boring 😊

      Liked by 1 person

      1. You have made me so happy! Thank you! Yes, boring can be so bloody wonderful!

        Liked by 1 person

  4. To me it’s interesting–finding the balance between not settling, and also letting go of expectations. I totally relate to the list of all the things you want. I had a list for so long. My hubs now surpasses that list–but in ways I’ve only gotten to discover as I’ve spent life with him. Of course your list is meaningful, and not at all trivial. But it did make me think of all the things–all the hopes and expectations I had for the person I would be with. I had such a picture of what I wanted–not just outside but inside as well (your singing in the car thing struck a chord with me). I almost broke up with my husband when we were dating so many times– every so often he would do or say something that didn’t fit perfectly with what i had hoped for–what I had pictured. I realized very quickly that he was imperfect. More scary, I realized how imperfect I was and how madly in love with me he seemed to fall anyway. I was more used to leaving people and places that were imperfect–I wasn’t used to staying, and loving them, and even watching them grow and supporting them. I had never had anyone that wanted to stick around my crazy. The real thing is awesome–and scary as fuck. I think spending your life with someone is the most fascinating journey.
    I believe in love more than I believe in anything else. I hope you find yours. ❤

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so much for your words and sharing a piece of your journey with me 💚 I think ultimately I’ve let go of what I think it “should” look like and the expectations of a person. At the end of it all, I just want to be me, perfectly imperfect and appreciated for that! I believe it’s out there and stories, like the one you just shared with me, keeps me hopeful 😊 thank you!!

      Liked by 1 person

      1. It totally is out there. Also, I hope it didn’t seem like I was inferring that you were hanging on to expectations. Your post just brought up so many thoughts for me, and reminded me how different my life is than what I had planned or hoped for. The person and the life that universe had in store for me are way beyond what I could have dreamed and hoped for. I always try to remember that now when I want something really badly–there’s often a thing or a way or a person outside of my normal scope–but as long as I am willing to let go of the reigns and be led, I often find it/them.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Not at all!! I completely get it. It’s exciting and completely terrifying to just let go and see what the potential is 😊

        Like

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