Yesterday I went to Victoria to see one of my nearest and dearest friends for her and her husband’s birthday celebrations. At the close of a quintessential West Coast backyard BBQ, my girlfriend and I managed some quiet time together to catch up. As we neared the bottom of our second bottle of wine, she said to me “you know that you were born to run…in all ways.”
I do love to run. And during my run this morning, I continued to turn over the words my friend said to me. I am running…I feel as though I’ve been running to the start line. Running towards a perfect career, a perfect home, a perfect body and most importantly a perfect relationship…so my life can start. There’s a certain freedom and power I have found in being in my 40s that I didn’t have before. I have recently realized, that all this time, I’ve been running to the finish line and I actually don’t want to get there that fast. Striving for perfection is all about control, of which I actually have very little. Other than my own actions and reactions…little else can be controlled. Life has started and I want to trust the journey and keep stumbling down the path.
Last year, at the exact same birthday BBQ celebration, I had a broken foot. I could barely walk, despite the (misnamed) “walking boot”, let alone run. I remember all too clearly being frustrated, angry and often depressed that I couldn’t run…hike…spin…I was forced to slow down…to rest and I had no control.
The healing process has taken a long time. I believe that this process has taught me some lessons, ones that I need to be mindful of so as not to slip into old patterns. Lessons that my friend brought up for me in her insightful comment. I am running towards calm. I feel the need to have all these pieces of my life in a state of perfection so I can slow down and enjoy them. The truth is everything is perfect as it is. Where I am right now, in this very moment, is where I’m meant to be. And it’s perfect.
During all of my running it’s important for me to remember to take moments of calm. Of stillness. To enjoy my perfect relationship…with myself. I don’t know what life will bring me but I know that I can’t control it. And I know that I will get through it, that I will adapt, that I will survive, that I will laugh and I will cry. I’m no longer running to a start line or a finish line…but I am running for me. I am showing up for myself, exploring my passions and putting myself out there in new and more vulnerable ways. Although it’s often a struggle, I’m trying to be present in every moment, but sometimes, as U2 says, I find myself “Running to Stand Still.”
I want to dedicate this to my dear friend CM in Vic…you bring me so much joy and love…and I thank you.